My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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