Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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