Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
