Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
