I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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