girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
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Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm having to shit out rocks
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