In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's always time for handjobs
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
