Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
