After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
why do cheetos always look like penises
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
