is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
