I feel like abortions should bother me more
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
