When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
