i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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