She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
