He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
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His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
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My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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