I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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