normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
