i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
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HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
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You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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