I will die if light touches me.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
