What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi