I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself