His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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