im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Also, beer. Big fan.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
