so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I forget how to act sober
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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