Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
