I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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