Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
