I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
