Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
