You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
