I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
