I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
