she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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