pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
