Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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