Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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