Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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