So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I want to make a zoo with you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
