she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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