Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
