This is not my ceiling
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
