Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
