Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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