I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
