I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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