i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
People in love make me want to vomit
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
