you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
