What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
