did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
