Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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