i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
