Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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