its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
