I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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