Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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