he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's rum buckets o'clock
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
