you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
