I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
