I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
